Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Sunday
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates