Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The future is now.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart