WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
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They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Mission: Impossible
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.