I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
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PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
#oldknees
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet