If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
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me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems