Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
DOOO EEEET
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Good morning, Twitter x
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day