Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession