Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
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I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
decorating my apartment
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)