That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
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No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Which wines pair best with gloating?