I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”