Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.