[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.