every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
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…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER