My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
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“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I’m confused about plants
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Oh yeah that’s it
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK