me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
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Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.