My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Chicken bread
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.