[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Golf would be better with landmines.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
describing stardew valley
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.