My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
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i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.