Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
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As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Not all heroes wear capes.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.