Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.