.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Today’s Times
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.