COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”