Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
You Might Also Like
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer