Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
adam and eve had first world problems
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
There’s always that one guy
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face