careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
A bad analogy is like a cucumber