Not all heroes wear capes…
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?