I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
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Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
The fall of Netflix
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
me after eating Cheetos
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.