[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?