therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
You Might Also Like
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
it’s either covid or clever vampires