Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
We need more people like this.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts