surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.