As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people