Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
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the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
felt cute might bury dad later idk
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
There are usually two types of merchants.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate