According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
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my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it