“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
This is I, Robot all over again
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.