Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️