When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏