Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
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God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Lassie, get help!
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.