Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Not messing around
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me My dog
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style