Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
me and the Superbowl rn
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
From Facebook just now…
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.