The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I identify as an antique shop.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly