My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
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I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]