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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point