PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
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My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
me irl
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.