I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
You Might Also Like
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?