My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.