If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
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If only.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
#SCOTUS one-star review
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert