Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
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Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“What?”
– Jude
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.