Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.