Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks